Cooper needs to learn when to say when.

We’ve been meaning to post forever and had planned to do a mega-post to catch up on everything going on. That mega-post ain’t happening any time soon, so we’re going to start to just post stuff again. The postings will likely focus largely on the newest addition to the “us” category of jack, teddy and us. On that note, here is a video from Cooper’s first full day at home. A little background…we could not get a straight answer from the nurses and doctors at the hospital on how much to feed him. The advice on amounts was all over the board, so we went with the two pediatricians who said to just let him eat what he wants to eat. So we did. We also made the transition from the disposable samples the hospital gave us to a bottle set where we had to mix the formula and the measurements were a bit strange. The following video is the crime scene moments after Cooper signaled to us that he had eaten too much. Enjoy.

Whoa Baby.

For reals.  UncommonGoods.com is the best shopping site ever.  If you’ve gotten a gift from us over the past couple of years (when we’re not being pinko commies and doling out Kiva gift certificates) – especially a baby gift – it’s probably from there.  I mean where else can you get everything from a pack of peepee teepees to a onesie declaring your baby’s illiteracy?  If you have a baby girl, expect to receive a smartly wrapped bright blue box with a happy green ribbon – and, inside, a pink snapsuit that proclaims “No one puts baby in the corner.”  Perfect.

It’s nice to find a place where you can buy cool not-sugar-sweet clothes and toys and fun stuff.  Here’s just some of the baby stuff they have available.  But check out the other kids’ stuff – and definitely the regular people stuff, too.  Lots of great home decor, art, jewelry, and other treats.

Seriously – I’m turning you on to a gem of a site.  You can thank me later.

Honest to blog.

I swear I’m going to update you on everything [and there's a LOT of everything] going on in our lives.  Seems like when I work in an office, I fall off of the face of the earth.  Well, I plan to remedy that this week – both by blogging – and also by finishing my stint at 360jmg, the firm I’ve been working at this election cycle.

Here’s what I have to remember to cover in this massive posting I plan on writing this week:

• Becky’s super-secret-surprise-birthday-halloween-costume-party extravaganza
•  The election. I’ve almost purposely avoided blogging about politics this cycle. Most of you know what I think already – and everyone from outside of DC only seems to want to talk to me about it so I can tell them how smart they are and what a DC insider they sound like.  That said, I’m certainly happy that so many of my hitherto apathetic friends seem to get why I dragged Adam here and what I’ve been working for for the last 8 years.
• Baby-ness.  We’re 5 weeks out and I’ve barely even mentioned him here.  I hear you saying to yourself, “Booo! Sandy sucks.”  Agreed.
• TV – all of the new seasons have started and we need to talk about it – including the new Jeopardy theme music. Eww.
• Pictures. I’ve got a TON of pics of everything from the Jimmy Buffett show to my giantness to Heidi and David’s wedding to our new front stoop and basement, to a baby shower – and even this weekend’s party. I’ll upload those bad boys soon.  Pretty hilarious.
• Recent reading – and my book club.
• My job.
• A few more recipes that did not fail.
• An update on Teddy and his bizarre health issues. (Don’t worry, nothing too bad!)
• A request for stroller/baby stuff recommendations.  We have no clue what we need.  You baby mamas and baby daddies out there need to tell us what things you use that you can’t live without!

Ok – so that’s a lot to post about this week.  But I’ll try.

Is anybody even reading anymore, now that I’ve left you without any titillating info for months? If so, let me know I’m not just typing to the wall;)

ABBA? Really?

So Political Wire, via Blender, published a list of the candidates’ favorite songs.  Hmmm…

1. Ready or Not Fugees	1. Dancing Queen ABBA
2. What’s Going On Marvin Gaye	2. Blue Bayou Roy Orbison
3. I’m On Fire Bruce Spingsteen	3. Take a Chance On Me ABBA
4. Gimme Shelter Rolling Stones	4. If We MakeIt Through December Merle Haggard
5. Sinnerman Nina Simone	5. As Time Goes By Dooley Wilson
6. Touch the Sky Kanye West	6. Good Vibrations The Beach Boys
7. You’d Be So Easy to Love Frank Sinatra	7. What A Wonderful World Louis Armstrong
8. Think Aretha Franklin	8. I’ve Got You Under My Skin Frank Sinatra
9. City of Blinding Lights U2	9. Sweet Caroline Neil Diamond
10. Yes We Can  will.i.am	10. Smoke Gets In Your Eyes The Platters

he’s back.

eurich griffin to kim, john, eurich, phil, pat, troy, delano, jennifer, dennis, me

show details 2:14 PM (10 minutes ago)

Reply

— On Sun, 7/27/08, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx wrote:

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: PICKUP LINE
To: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Date: Sunday, July 27, 2008, 8:10 PM

PICKUP LINE Having already downed a few power drinks, she turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said, ‘Listen here good looking, I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, in the car, front door, back door, on the ground, standing up, sitting down, naked or with clothes on, dirty, clean . . . it doesn’t matter to me. I’ve been doing it ever since I got out of college and I just love it.’ Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, ‘No kidding. I’m a lawyer too. What firm are you with?’

Font Humor.

[If I knew how to imbed video, I would.]

Watch out for Webdings.

Tourette’s for Preggers.

So this morning I had what I would categorize as my first truly unreasonable emotional outburst – over a YouTube video aired on The Today Show – and then I got mad at Teddy for not understanding.  Yep.  I’ve lost my mind.

But, before you get all judgy, watch the video – with the volume up. The music makes it and you’ll think I’m a crazyhorse for losing it if you watch with your sound off.  I would like to point out, though, that the cheesy ending ["get back in touch with someone..."] was not on the original video I saw on the news and may have actually caused a spontaneous vomiting effect that would have counteracted all the crying.

I mean come on. If you didn’t tear up at that, you’re just the most heartless of the heartless.  Plus, did you happen to notice the striking resemblance that the lion bears to our Teddy?  Well, I see it – and this is where the story turns unreasonable.

So I’m crying – probably more than I ordinarily would.  But I don’t feel that unjustified because the news crew on The Today Show is also crying over the piece.  And then, I take a turn for the worse.  I make the connection between the lion and Ted – which leads me to notice that the lion jumps up and stands on his hind legs just like Teddy.  They move in a very similar way.

Then I realize that my Ted can’t really do that right now because his legs hurt him – which turns into – “He’s just a BABY!  What if he is unhappy for the rest of his life – or even dies, for that matter?!”  Which turns into an uncontrollable need to hug him and pet him.  So I get down in the floor to hug him, and he looks at me out of the corner of his eye like I’m a disgusting freak.  I extend my hand – and he LEANS AWAY FROM ME like I have the plague.  Are you kidding me?!  I feed him medicine out of my hand covered in peanut butter.  I pick up his poop and brush him and lay in his bed with him when he feels bad.  I sneak him treats.  I don’t kill him when I wake up in the morning to find he spent the night on the sofa – the evidence being a hairy spot of the sofa and a huge dark drool stain to match.  Just this morning I brushed him and scratched him and opened the door for him so he could lay down and still see outside.  And I can’t even get a little lovin’ when I’m visibly upset…over him?!

So here I am, sobbing, and now I think my dog has deliberately hurt my feelings.  Totally irrational.  And I know it’s totally irrational.  But that knowledge does nothing for me.  So I call Adam to tell him about it.  He is adorable and sweet and understanding, only mocking me for a second until he realizes I’m serious.  And then, hearing myself say these things aloud, I realize that I have absolutely become a cliche.  Ugh.

Updates Galore.

Three updates in order of people’s likely interest:

1) Hint on the last post: one type of M&Ms has nuts; the other does not.

2) Teddy continues to struggle with his back legs, but he is going on steroids on Monday and the doctor is cautiously optimistic that he’ll turn things around in less than a week. He’ll have to stay on the steroids for a couple months, but there is guarded optimism. That being said, the diagnosis (which I can’t remember, but is basically early onset arthritis) is only the second time our doctor has ever actually seen it in a dog, so she isn’t even completely certain. It’s been an (expensive) ordeal, but we’ll keep our fingers crossed that he’ll be turning the corner. If this doesn’t work we have no idea where this will lead.

3) Last June I did a post about how DirecTV’s president actually replied to an email and they did something about our frustrations (DirecTV Cares About Their Customers.). One of the things they did last June was to waive our commitment fee (which is their euphemism for early termination penalty). We were so encouraged by that that three months later when the replacement receiver quit working we decided to stick with them. Problem is, DirecTV’s policy is that any time you get new equipment, you re-commit for two more years. So when I called today to cancel (because our nth replacement receiver also doesn’t work), I was met by a bunch of customer service reps and supervisors who refused to reply logic to the situation and simply repeated over and over that by replacing my receiver in September, I re-committed for 2 more years. The highlights of my calls:

a) being told by Rep 1 that only 2 weeks worth of customer history was available only to have Rep 2 spoke with be able to look at the account history from last year to confirm the commitment fee had been waived.

b) being disconnected by Rep 2 while I waited to speak to her supervisor.

c) being told by Rep 3 that the president of the company doesn’t actually read or respond to his own emails so of course I didn’t actually email with him.

d) being told by Rep 4 (a supervisor in the “retention department”) that she had too much work to do to let me explain everything to her and that the only way to resolve this was to again try to contact the president of the company. Rep 4 did not appreciate the following exchange:

me: what is your name and employee id#?

Rep 4: Jenny, ######

me: and what department are you a supervisor in?

Rep 4: Retention

me: that’s ironic

Rep 4 (angry): and why do you think that is ironic Mr. Zissman?

anyone have any experience with Dish Network? as soon as this is resolved, i think that is where we are headed.

[UPDATE: got a call from the "President's Office" on a Sunday morning confirming that we won't have any fees if wle e terminate. I guess there is a small office of competent people at DirecTV.]

Big News.

(as opposed to the contents of the brown bag)

Hi there, Layla!

JT&U is pleased to welcome the newest Gold to the world.  So world – meet Layla Wynn Gold, born this morning and weighing a svelte 7lbs 9oz:

Welcome, Layla.  We’re glad to have you.

Rumor has it that the whole clan is thrilled and has been updating their Facebook statuses about it all morning – Tayler apparently sounds tired, but assures us that both Jaime [who is already on IM] and Layla are happy and healthy and it’s a good day all around.

Congrats, Jaime & Tayler!

Note to Seafood Lovers.

Your lunch stinks.  It is smelly and the smelliness is far-reaching.  It hangs in the room like a putrid fog.  Especially when it’s hot.  You may not smell it, but – trust me on this one – everyone else does.  It is inconsiderate to eat stinky hot crab soup in a shared workspace.  I don’t want your stink in my lungs, so quit putting it in there without my consent.  I can’t work elsewhere, but you an certainly eat your rank liquid meal somewhere else, like say…Peeeewtown.

Put that in your spoon and slurp it.

Proof.

Need proof that Adam and I have been together far longer than the five years [today] we’ve been married?  Well, here it is:  We went out to an anniversary brunch this morning at one of our favorite restaurants.  We called ahead ’cause it’s a crazy busy place – we sat down, ordered – and were in and out in 20 minutes.  Seriously – are we an old married couple or what?  It’s not even like we just put face to plate and ignored each other in favor of our meals.  We shared our DELICIOUS brioche french toast and scrambled eggs, drank sparkling cider [I know - lame, right?], and talked about all kinds of stuff – from work, to last night’s performance of The Lion King we saw at the Kennedy Center, to inappropriate themes for a baby’s room, to the fancy necklace Adam gave me to celebrate our fifth, and I’m sure much more.  I guess with time comes efficiency.

Yesterday was such a busy day and night that we’ve decided to play it super lazy today.  We’re currently laying on the blanket from Adam’s old room in Orlando, which we spread out in the floor.  Adam was reading Freakonomics, but now he’s just watching tennis [in HD, I'm sure he'd like me to point out], I’m blogging [duh], and Teddy’s in between us, snoring – which is nice for him because he’s not allowed in our bed, so he’s in heaven.  Sure – we’ve got plenty to do.  But we’re ignoring that.  It’s a good lazy Sunday.

In other news, Teddy’s legs are really bothering him.  He’s having a tough time getting out of the sit position and is sort of sitting in a way that leaves his legs floppy.  It’s weird because he’s so young.  So far, he’s been tested for Lime Disease – and was negative – and we’re awaiting the results of some other blood tests, etc.  The vets are a little worried he has some sort of auto-immune disease like Lupus.  Oddly, Ted doesn’t seem to notice there’s anything wrong!  And when his adrenaline gets going, he bounces around, runs stairs, and jumps up like his usual self.  He’s on anti-inflammatories and antibiotics until we figure out what the real issue is.  He’s still the most adorable pup ever.

Adam did get the hybrid Highlander!  It’s sweet.  Came with running boards, the spoiler that makes it look hot, some racing stripes, leather interior, navigation, rubber mats and inserts for Ted, a third row – you name it.  Yep – it’s a bunch of stuff we don’t need.  But it’s blue and it’s awesome.

And I’m starting to show a bit.  I’m like 4.5 months along and feeling fine.  Nothing really notable to tell – I just have to pee more often.  The pic is me trying to stick my stomach out so I look like a pregger and not just a chick with a gut.  I just look really…fluffy.  Not sure why I’m making a face like I’m pissed – I’m pretty sure that was accidental.

Other than that, all I have to report is that the new job is going well [a little boring since I don't have much to do yet], Becky’s gone for three weekends in a row which SUCKS, and she and Chuck and the kids are moving a few blocks away over the next couple of weeks.  If you have any cute ideas for a baby boy’s room [Thatch likes cars] and/or a baby girl’s room, write ‘em in the comments and Becky will be your best friend.

Stress!

So we’re thinking about getting a Toyota Highlander Hybrid.  Anyone have any comments, input, reviews?

Plus, we need to talk about Teddy.  More on that after we go for our last test drive of the day.

Rogue Agent.

Jack Bauer has gone crazy and I’m not sure what to make of it. For the past week or two, he’s been so bad! In general, he’s pretty feisty and mischievous, but in a cute impy puck-ish way. But lately he’s jumping up onto the kitchen counters and dining room table, biting my hands and wrists, and stalking and attacking my ankles. And then there’s what he’s doing to Ted. For the past two days, he’s been working really hard to scrape up bits of dust and carpet and dog hair with which to cover Teddy’s food. Ew. Poor guy – Ted, I mean.

Like I said, this started a little while ago. Adam’s been gone all week, too – and it got even worse once he left. Do you think Jack knows something’s up with me and is freaking out?

Grammarificness.

How on earth did it become socially acceptable to pronounce the word “nuclear” like an idiot? Check Dictionary.com. “Nucular” is not a word. At least not in the way that George W. Bush uses it. I know – Sandy ripping on W – shocker. But it’s not just W that makes this mistake – it seems like EVERYONE does it. Lots of educated people seem not to get that nuclear is pronounced just like it’s spelled: new-klee-er. Even Clinton has slipped up a few times and we know he’s a smartypants. In fact, this is such a common thing that The Simpson’s writers make fun of it semi-regularly, scribbling the incorrect pronunciation into Homer’s occupational vocabulary…he works at the new-que-lahr power plant. D’oh.

Apparently Eisenhower really popularized the mistake – but, as this great [albeit old] bit of commentary by Geoff Nunberg explains so well, he had a pretty decent excuse. After all, it’s not like the word came up a lot in conversation before the 50’s.

But what about assimilation? I get it. Sometimes words change over time because people have a hard time pronouncing them, which seems legit to. For example – the word “assimilation” itself started its life as “adsimilation,” but, because it’s tough to say, [much like the th-Z combo in Judith Zissman!] over time, we lost the d. Seriously – say adsimilation fast a few times – you lose it even when you’re trying to say it, so, even though you lose the prefix that tells you more about the word, most people haven’t studied Greek or Latin enough to be able to find its meaning by parsing it anyway.

Nuclear is different. As Nunberg also points out, it’s not like W makes the same goof when talking about nuclear families. It’s not a hard word to say – he just says it wrong. Nunberg claims this is a worse mistake than a typo – because it’s a thinko. Suck on that for a while.

What irks me more than the mispronunciation itself – even though I do get pretty irate when I catch this blatant evidence of the fact that some of the most powerful people on the planet are not, in fact, also the smartest – is what’s happening on Dictionary.com’s listing for the un-word, nucular. First of all, it does say it’s not a word. Which makes me happy. And, because Dictionary.com doesn’t keep info on non-existent words, it displays some info from other resources like Wikipedia and other dictionaries. These entries start by saying that use of the wrong pronunciation is an increasingly common error that has been criticized. But then they go a step further – in my mind crossing the line – by saying that some dictionaries have actually added this NON-WORD because the error is made so regularly – especially by important people. This, to me – and correct me if I’m wrong – is NOT assimilation. This is rewarding “thinkos.” Should we also replace the word “resonate” with the non-word “resignate” because that’s how George W. Bush says it? It should be noted that in the “see also” section of Dictionary.com’s page on “nucular,” the three links listed are “Bushisms,” “strategery,” and “US presidents IQ hoax.”

Ok. I’ve said my peace. Now before you start picking apart this posting for all of its grammatical inaccuracies, remember a few things: 1. I do not claim to be important or super-smart, 2. You’ve probably said something like “irregardless” or “I could care less” to me before and I neither cringed outwardly nor slapped you in the pie hole, so you owe me, and 3. It’s my blog; I can say what ever I want and punctuate it any way I’d like.

The end.